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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 23, 2014 1:33am-2:05am PDT

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[ applause ] >> jon: that's our show. join us next week. here it is. >> tesla motors is dropping
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hints of a major announcement. elanmusk tweelted about time to unveil the d, and something e captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (eagle caw)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, nation! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) well come to "the report"! thank you so much! beautiful! great tuesday night here in new york city. ladies and gentlemen, i am samson and your cheering is my long hair! thanks for being here! nation, i am a huge fan of the game of footed-ball. every sunday, i invite my bros over, grill up some brats, crack a couple of cold ones, forget to take the brats off the grill, burn down my house, apologize to my bros, and hold a vigil for lenny. (laughter)
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so naturally, i'm all over the huge controversy surrounding last night's game between the -- oh, shoot -- i can never remember the teams' names. let's say the new england... big guys versus the kansas city -- uh -- chiefs. oh, they're actually called the chiefs? good to know. thanks... uh, buddy. jim? >> n.f.l. referees calling a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on chiefs safety husain abdullah for dropping to his knees in prayer after scoring a touchdown on monday night football. abdullah's a devout muslim. he was practicing the sajda, a religious prayer. >> stephen: yes, a muslim person prayed in the end zone. and even more shocking -- i was allowed to play footage without the express written consent of the national football league.
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something's very, very wrong! i didn't even know there were muslim football players. how can they play if they're not allowed to touch pigskin? (laughter) what's going to happen? we'll have to switch to halal balls. (laughter) but there's an even bigger scandal than a muslim being penalized for his religious beliefs -- the n.f.l. said they shouldn't have done it. (laughter) they released a statement this morning saying that the referee "is not to flag a player who goes to the ground as part of a religious expression and, as a result, there should have been no penalty on the play." no penalty on the play? how about holding... the wrong religious beliefs? (laughter) okay? we all know football is a christian sport. that's why we have plays like "the hail mary" and "the lateral judas."
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and, in football, we thank only jesus. tim tebow was so good at it, we started calling praying "tebowing." though these days, "tebowing" means bagging grocery at a safeway. (laughter) football works like this -- players thank jesus after every touchdown. then whoever wins is the team jesus loved more. (laughter) by the way, jacksonville jaguars, i don't know what you did to anger god, but i would apologize. (laughter) but now with muslims in the end zone, all that's changed. don't get me wrong -- i'm all for pitting christianity against islam to find out who has the best god. (laughter) my money's on the j-man. whenever his electrolytes are low, he can turn water into gatorade. (laughter) but where does it end? how many other religious celebrations will we be forced to watch?
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druid players planning a tree? buddhists releasing a box turtle? scientologists giving the other team a stress test? bottom line, this will -- (applause) bottom line, this will completely ruin the game of football. and that job is already filled by roger goodell. (laughter) nation, the 2016 presidential election is just around the corner, where it is waiting to hit america with a board that has nails sticking out of it. republicans are already warming up. last weekend they gathered for the 9th annual "values voter summit." a four-day orgy of people fundamentally opposed to orgies. (laughter) there were so many great speakers, and also sarah palin, who urged the audience to never back down. >> they scream racism just to
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end debate. well, don't retreat. you reload with truth, which i know is an endangered species at, uh, 1400 pennsylvania avenue, anyway. truth. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, truth is in short supply at 1400 pennsylvania avenue. (laughter) everyone there keeps insisting it's a plaza in front of the willard hotel. (laughter) but you won't hear any of that from the liberal nbc news over at 20 rock. (laughter) of course, the values voter summit holds the first big straw poll of every presidential election. this year's winner was ted cruz who surged to 25% of the vote up from 42% in 2013. (laughter) ted cruz, to know him is to
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"eh." (laughter) but when it comes to 2016, i'm jindal all the way. governor bobby jindal finished a strong fourth in the straw poll and i'm not surprised. bobby jindal's a two-term governor of louisiana, a champion of small business, and starting this year, he's allowed to stay out past 11:00. unfortunately, he's got a few skeletons in his closet. he's a rhodes scholar with a masters in political science from oxford, and he ran the university of louisiana system. he's an academic, or as one senior campaign strategist described him... (laughter) yeah, that's going to haunt him! (applause) and last year jindal lectured the base about the g.o.p.'s electoral problems.
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>> we have got to stop insulting the intelligence of voters. we need to trust the smarts of the american people. >> stephen: well, i say, if being so tuned you can't complete a metaphor is wrong, then make lemonade! (laughter) and jindal's pro-knowledge agenda has hurt his popularity. in recent cnn, orc, wnba poll of new hampshire republicans, jindal got only 3% of respondents, tied with rick santorum, and falling just short of "no one" at 4%, which i say he can use to his advantage. jindal 2016: no one is more popular! (laughter) (applause) but recently, jindal set out to convince people he's a down-home guy who's learned to stop learning.
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>> do you personally believe the theory of evolution explains the complex life on earth? >> look, the reality is i was not an evolutionary biologist. >> stephen: yes, the reality is he was not an evolutionary biologist. he just graduated from brown university with an honors degree in biology. (laughter) but come on! nobody uses their college degree in real life. i went to dartmouth but i don't use my degree in -- "diploma withheld due to outstanding library book." (laughter) true story, by the way. and jindal knows what it's like to be handicapped by knowledge, so he wants to make sure others don't have to suffer the same fate. >> i want my kids to be taught about evolution in their school. what i believe as a father and a husband is that local schools should make decisions on how they teach.
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i think local districts should make decisions about what should be taught in their classrooms. >> stephen: exactly. jindal believes evolution should be established science only on a "local" basis. take the galapagos islands. on one of them, the finches evolved longer beaks to punch holes in cactus fruit. on another island, the beaks were shorter because jesus. and jindal was refreshingly -- jindal is on a retreat from knowledge. for example, he should insist that thunder is just god bowling, and lightning is god getting his picture taken with his bowling trophy. and yes, the lightning comes before the thunder, which would mean god got his trophy just before playing his game. but you know what they say -- god bowls in mysterious ways. so i applaud bobby jindal for deftly floating his presidential trial balloon. but don't call it that, because the science isn't in on
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ballooning yet. i mean, if hot air rises, how come hell is below us? we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (door bell rings) trick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! finally, the purple pill,hr the #1 prescribed acid blocking brand, comes without a prescription for frequent heartburn. get complete protection. nexium level protection™
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>> stephen: welcome back. folks, i don't think it's any surprise. i'm not going to break any news here when i say i consider myself a positive guy. but now a recent study has made me sad about being happy, because researchers have found that people with pessimistic views of the future were more likely to live longer an healthier lice than those with a -- longer and healthier lives than those with a rosier outlook. that's right, negative nellies live longer -- a phenomenon known as the mccain effect. the reason, researchers say, is that those who are defensively pessimistic may be more likely to invest in preparatory or precautionary measures.
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for instance, a man who always insists on wearing protection is less likely to get a girl pregnant. just like a man who always insists on wearing a parachute is also less likely to get a girl pregnant. (laughter) the same report had bad news for happy people. dr. dilip jeste explains. >> excessive or over-confidence can create problems. it may produce feelings of invincibility, and that could result in unnecessary risk-taking. for example, teenagers or youngsters may start drinking, smoking, using substances. >> stephen: that's right, optimism could lead teenagers to drink, smoke or use drugs. whereas pessimism could cause them to also do that. (laughter) and it's not just teens -- researchers reported that subjects who were identified as most optimistic as children were
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the ones who died the soonest. okay. that finding really makes me depressed. (laughter) though probably not as depressed tas scientist whose job it was to count the number of happy children who died. (laughter) manage ihang in there, buddy. the study was conducted at university of erlangen-nurnberg using data from a nationally representative survey in germany. yes, germany. land of nietzsche, goethe and sauerkraut, the condiment that tastes the most like human tears. (laughter) lucky for me, i happen to know one of the germans who participated in this study. please well come friend of the show and germany's ambassador to the u.n., the honorable hans beinholz. (cheers and applause) please, sit down. (cheers and applause)
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thank you so much for coming back. thank you so much for being here ambassador. >> hans: glad to be here. i had feared our next meeting would be at my funeral. (laughter) >> >> stephen: come on, hans, you've got plenty of great years ahead of you. >> hans: time is a cruel invention to create the illusion of growth. in truth, the moment we are born is the moment we begin to die. >> stephen: don't focus on the negatives. life's too short. >> hans: not short enough. life is a noose with kilometers of slack, teasing us with the false promise of release. and yet here i remain, doomed to greet another sunrise, alone even in company, the old man on the town bench whose only true friends are the ducks he feeds,
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though soon, they, too, will be dead. >> stephen: but you will be alive, hans. according to the research, your bleak world view is going to keep you going for a long, long time. >> hans: really? >> stephen: yeah. hans: that's wonderful news! i am going to live! yippee! aagghh, mein heart... >> stephen: hans, are you okay? you look awful! >> hans: you really think i look awful? don't say that just to make me feel better. >> stephen: no, seriously, you look like you're at death's door. >> hans: thank you, stephen. i am saved. it is my fate to once more ride this cold rock around the sun, only to wind up exactly where i started -- alone.
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>> stephen: that's the spirit, buddy. the honorable hans beinholz, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: well come back, everybody! my guest tonight plays a transgender woman in the new show "transparent" on amazon. it's putting mom-and-pop transgender shows out of business. please well come jeffrey tambor!
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(cheers and applause) mr. tambor, thanks so much for coming out. nice to see you! thank you very much! (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please. please. thank you. jeffrey, thank you so much. we only met the first time tonight. can i call you jeffrey? >> yes. >> stephen: thank you very much. you may call me steve. i'm a huge fan of your work, the larry sanders show, arrest of development. currently starring in the new amazon series tranc transparent.
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i play the patriarc>> i play the family. >> stephen: previously called mort. >> now called mora. are you saying you're going to start dressing like a lady, always? my whole life, i have been dressing up. like a man. (cheers and applause) >> do not hurt my feelings. (laughter) >> stephen: i need your help. i'm going to put my cards on the table. >> do it. >> stephen: okay. i need your help. i'm not an actor.
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you're an actor, and you -- (laughter) i don't understand -- i don't understand certain things. >> i'm going to take you through this. (laughter) >> stephen: be gentle. be gentle. >> be gentle with me. >> stephen: transgender to me is fascinating like quantum physics is. >> okay. >> stephen: and quantum physics, a particle can both be there and not. >> right. >> stephen: and they can both be true. >> right. by the way, i'm lost. >> stephen: that's the way i am when it comes to understanding the transgender community. how can someone be both identify final as -- identifiable as a man but identify as a come in their life. how can that be true? >> mora, since she was 5, has felt she was in the wrong body and at 70 years of age or 70 years of old, has made a break
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for freedom and her authenticity and she becomes for a first time herself and the leader of the family and a true parent. >> stephen: does anyone in the family know before this? >> no. i have to come out to each one of them, which is also very common, and it's the greatest transformative role i've ever had in my life. >> stephen: and you are -- (cheers and applause) i have been informed to ask people how they felt identified. how do you feel? >> jeffrey tambor, i am for the pursuit of freedom, authenticity and happiness. >> stephen: and your gender? (applause) how do you -- >> my daughter is seven years old and i said, honey, this is a little different. this is the woman who's in
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transition, and she says, daddy, i get it. seven years old, she says, daddy, she's more comfortable being a woman. (applause) >> stephen: i'm going to get there. >> up to get there. >> stephen: i'm first to admit i'm a hetero(bleep). can i ask a serious question? is there going to be a hell boy 3? >> oh, my god! there's actually talk of a hell boy 3, but they better hurry, or i'm going to be in walker. >> stephen: jeffrey tambor! such a joy to have you here? >> and such a joy to be here. >> stephen: i've not held a guest's hand this long, and they're beautiful and soft. >> thank you. >> stephen: you've taken me on a journey.
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>> thank you. >> stephen: the show is fantastic and i want to congratulate myself for saying so! (laughter) jeffrey tambor, "transparent" now on amazon! we'll be back! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. new guinness blonde american lager. ♪
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or exile from our home country in the 60's. the bacardi family didn't just survive, we thrived. because true passion can't be tamed. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> it's 11:59 and 59 second t map happened on mashable. in canada it's considered proper etiquette to sing the national anthem on ice-skates and a tax with a flowing mullet. like this hosser, let's see what this dudley does wrong


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